On Being Alone and Lonely and the Death of Dan Fogleberg

Tybee Island, Ga. --- When it is cold at the beach trust me it is cold and yet very refreshing. All the ole dogs, myself included, enjoyed the early brisk walk the past two mornings.

Although the news of yesterday was saddening to me --- there have been two songwriters in my life that I have always consistently enjoyed --- Harry Chapin and Dan Fogelberg and we have now lost them both.

The world is sadder with the passing of Mr. Fogelberg, age 56 of prostate cancer.

Stimpy Update

Ole Stimper is hanging right in there. He is enjoying this Christmas season with two walks a day. We have returned to the dog park and Max got big romps yesterday with his friends Tobe, Walker and Roger. His output is staying basically the same and his input is not too much different. As long as he is in no pain, and the doctor tells us that we will know when the time has come, I am taking the ole man home for Christmas.

Lilly, Robin Chandley’s little girl joined us yesterday for lunch and brought Stimpy, Little Bit and Max Christmas chew toys, which they are enjoying.

Alone and Lonely

There is a big difference between these two feelings and it took me 50 years to figure them out and how I feel about both.

Growing up as an only child many of my friends and relatives envied me, whereas I envied them for having brothers and sisters. Life is not as good as an only child as you might believe. For those of us that have experienced it, especially in a household where tension was often times high, or where you were expected to only be seen and not heard you find yourself alone and lonely a great deal of the time.

I suspect that is why as I went through high school I always tried to be involved in activities that surrounded me with lots of other people. Also, I was one to immerse myself in such things as drama, speech, debate, and chorus. I will be the first to admit I could not sing at all but Mrs. Allo probably felt sorry for me and also just needed another guy to fill in the ranks.

However, I did have a penchant for acting, public speaking and debating probably because it allowed me to continue to live in my mind while putting on different faces and playing different roles. These high school activities actually did help develop my talents for other jobs I had later in life but in many ways they kept me in a state of loneliness.

As an actor, people see your character and your behavior on stage and they assume that is part of who you really are. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn’t.

In high school I was a ship captain in the King and I, a minister and the lead in Peter Marshall, an explorer in Shangri-La, a book salesman in The Music Man, a cockney in My Fair Lady, and numerous other small roles in other productions. I still to this day wake up some nights with a cold sweat fearing that I have not memorized my lines. Being the anal retentive kind of guy I am, I actually memorized everyone’s lines and would often ad lib to get them back on dialogue much to the chagrin of the director.

I had a wicked sense of humor and I am occasionally reminded of that such as the last reunion when Dr. Ralph Cash, Jr. pointed out to my wife that I caused him to literally lose it when he was playing the King against my Ship Captain in the King and I. I had forgotten the incident until he brought it forward and I confess it was a funny moment.

I was lonely in high school because I felt as if I wasn’t from the “right sides of the tracks” and felt I wasn’t smart, witty or athletic enough to be “one of the in crowd.” So although I tried different activities became the president of several of the clubs I also had to work to help support my family, which was okay with me.

Because you see I was the photographer for the weekly newspaper. I still got to go to all the ball games, dramas, and special events. I also got to chase fire trucks, cover accidents and get my name in the newspaper on bylines very frequently. I was carving out my own identity and my own personality.

It was my wife Kay that pointed out to me around my 25th year reunion that I was the only person in the room that evening that seemed to easily drift in and out of all the cliques and seemed to be accepted by and known by most everyone. Later when I reflected on this I sensed she was right, as usual, there was not hesitancy on their part or mine to engage and enjoy one another that evening. Heck, it was just ole dependable Darryl, which by the way the class voted me “Most Dependable in 1968.”

However, I spent large amounts of time alone and lonely throughout my childhood, high school and college days. I lived in my mind where the good characters fought bad men and won always. Where moms and dads were the role models for Leave it to Beaver and Father Knows Best.

In grade school, I spent my summer days riding with Francis Marion, the Swamp Fox, as he was known during the War of Northern Aggression. In high school, I saw myself as Clark Kent without the superpowers of his alter ego. In college, I became professorial and academic and wore Goodwill clothes, grew a beard (until ROTC made me shave it off) and strove to be the best of the best when I pontificated. I smoked a pipe, drank “wine” and brooded a lot. That was until my second year of the ROTC scholarship where I was told in no uncertain terms that I would dress and act like an officer at all times. Trust me in the 1960s and 70s such a demeanor made you stand out and it was during this time that I chose to go all Army. Clean cut would have been an understatement. Talk about not fitting in!

I found myself once again alone and lonely even though I was married --- my practice marriage that lasted 10-years. There were two times in my life I wanted to stop a marriage – the first was in 1969 when I got married – the second was in 1978.

I enjoy being alone these days. Although being alone is more of being with my dogs, a good book, some old TV shows, a comfortable recliner in the cabin at the lake. There are still times when I feel lonely especially when the weather is dark and cold and I turn more inward than usual. However, maturity brings with it an understanding of self that you don’t have in your 20s and 30s, maybe not even in your 40s. You begin to realize as you mature that best friends are often the four-legged kind, that you have disappointed more people than ever disappointed you and that life is simply an event that eventually ends for us all.

I don’t fear being alone any more and when I do have those moments of loneliness, well Stimpy, Little Bit and Max have helped me immensely. Dogs have a way of soothing and healing these things that wives and friends can’t.

It is a shame though that these lessons can’t be learned earlier in our lives.

Until next time.
Dr. Darryl
L. Darryl Armstrong
www.armstrongandassociates.org